You're A Grand Old Flag

The original United States Constitution, making its first tour of the nation, arrives in Libertyville, U.S.A. (or your hometown). The town has prepared a grand celebration in honor of our country's most important legal document. The mayor, a golf fanatic, knows nothing about the Constitution. Strangely enough, the archivist, Clay Malone, in charge of the nationwide tour of the Constitution, knows even less about it. Mary, the mayor's daughter, suspects Clay is not really an archivist. The handsome Clay immediately is attracted to Mary while she is put off by his joking and frivolity. Although the Constitution has two husky guards around at all times, the local sheriff, Twila Twit, and her dim-witted deputy, Colin Crock, are armed to the hilt and ready to protect the Constitution from all danger—if Colin can keep his eyes off the dancing majorettes The boss, a heavy, sneering mobster with a teddy bear, has brought his gang to town to steal the Constitution. The gang includes: Knuckles, who walks stooped over because his knuckles are so heavy from bashing heads; Knees, who is extremely bow-legged after kicking in thousands of doors; Moll, the boss's girl, who continuously chews gum; and Jake the Jerk, who really is a dim-witted jerk. Twila and Colin overhear the boss telling Knuckles and Knees to rob the local bank. Sure enough, they're caught in the act. The boss attempts to bribe the mayor, who happens to be the judge, but to no avail. The boss gets the mayor to admit that if the Constitution, being the written foundation of all our laws, disappeared, then there would be no more laws. If nothing is illegal, then everything is legal. Twila and Colin announce that they have caught several criminal types trying to steal the Constitution, and Colin shocks the audience by announcing that they were too late. The Constitution is missing; only a couple of big sheets of blank paper remain. Where is the Constitution? Who is Clay Malone? What will become of our nation without any laws?